dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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