Old men and throwing up are my life now.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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