Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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