If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
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