tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
