I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
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