It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
