I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
