Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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