He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
