i jhust puked up my retainher.
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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