Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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