Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize
