i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I got inside last night via doggy door
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
