Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
