they need to just BURY HIM!
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
We are all done wearing pants today
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
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