why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
not ubering you a puppy
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
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