Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
