if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
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