Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
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