so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
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