mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Randomize
