I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
