sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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