Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
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