Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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