The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
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