if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
