and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
