Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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