I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
