I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Randomize