Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Randomize
