You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
