he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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