Pappa wants mamma naked
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
