I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize