Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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