some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
