Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Your mouth is God's brothel.
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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