Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
