In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Just pee around me
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Randomize
