Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize