I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
