you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
