a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
