I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I think I won the penis lottery.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
