allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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