i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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