He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
