i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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