I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Randomize
