I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize
