when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
