so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
