in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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