when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
