nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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