So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize