come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
