when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Randomize
