Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
