I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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