after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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