put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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