Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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