Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
