Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
